


Clueless

by reigningqueenofwords



Series: Little Soldier [2]
Category: Avengers, Marvel
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-06
Updated: 2020-02-06
Packaged: 2021-02-28 05:06:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,223
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22588354
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/reigningqueenofwords/pseuds/reigningqueenofwords
Relationships: past Bucky x Reader
Series: Little Soldier [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1625314
Kudos: 16





	Clueless

Will’s funeral had been just a week ago, but every morning when you woke up, it felt fresh all over. Not that you had been sleeping well. You were sure that wasn’t a good thing with you trying to heal, though. You did your best to avoid Bucky since that first morning. You just had no idea how to process what Steve told you. You had no idea how not to look at him and  _ hurt _ . Getting over him was easier when you didn’t have to see, or hear him. Seeing him just made you remember the day you heard him say he never wanted kids. Even with knowing his reasoning now...it cut you worse than the knife that had been plunged into your side. Hell, Dom had been going between your room and Steve’s. One night with you, one with him. He spent the days with his aunts and uncles, but you and Steve made him feel the safest at night. 

Which was why, on night 8 (you were sure you’d always know how many nights since you buried Will), you found yourself at Steve’s door. Your hair was in a loose pony tail, you were in one of his shirts, and a pair of sweats. Sighing, you knocked gently, but hopefully enough that he had heard. It was nearly 11, which meant Dom had been asleep for hours. It didn’t take long for Steve to open the door, looking half asleep. “Doll?” He blinked, waking himself up more. “You okay?” 

You shook your head. “No, I’m not.” You sniffed. “I’ve barely been sleeping. I’m sore because I’m so tired.” You hadn’t told anyone how you were feeling. You’d been on plenty of missions worse that the attack on your house, after all. So, who were you to complain? “I…” You bit your lip, playing with the hem of your shirt as you looked down. “I was wondering if I could...sleep in here tonight?” You asked, wiping a tear from your cheek. 

Steve hated seeing you like this. Pulling you into a hug, he kissed the top of your head. “Of course you can. You can sleep in here as long as you need.” He promised, leading you inside. “Want to talk about it before we crawl into bed?” He offered. “You have to eventually.” 

You knew he was right. “Sure.” You caved, too exhausted to fight. “On the balcony?” You motioned, not wanting to wake up Dom. He nodded and the pair of you moved silently through to the glass doors. He grabbed a throw on the way, in case you got chilly. Leaving the door cracked behind the two of you, he put the throw over your shoulders. Gripping it, you hugged it close to you. “Every time I try to close my eyes I see Will.” You started, your voice soft. “Lying there, and I can’t help him. I see Dom, seeing him like that I as rush him to the safe room as fast as I can. I see the future we could have had disappear.” You leaned into him as he put his arm around you. “I know I could have asked Bruce for help sleeping, but…” 

“But you don’t want to feel or seem weak?” He finished for you. 

“Yeah.” You sighed. “That.” You had to be strong for your son. “We were going to adopt a dog for Christmas. He’s been asking for one.” That was the only thing that he’d put on his wishlist. “He told us the dog could sleep in his room, about how the dog would have so much fun in our backyard, and how he’d love the dog so much.” Your chest ached, getting this all out. Steve remained silent, just letting you talk. “We had finally decided on a wedding date, too! We planned to get married in May, and then he was going to adopt Dom…” The relationship that Dom and Will had had was amazing. Will treated him like he was truly Dom’s father. Steve rubbed your back, trying to comfort you. “We talked about having more kids, too.” He hugged you as you cried, wrapping your arms around him, gripping the back of his shirt. 

Steve couldn’t begin to imagine how you were feeling, but was thankful you felt safe enough to open up to him about all this. “Let’s go get in bed, and I’ll keep holding you.” He offered. “That helps Dom sleep sometimes.” The first few nights, if Dom couldn’t touch Steve in his sleep, he’d panic. You simply nodded against him. 

* * *

Everyone was surprised that Steve wasn’t at breakfast right away. Normally, he was one of the first ones in there. He ate, then went to train. Tony showed up in the kitchen before him. You and Dom were also missing. “JARVIS, where are Steve, Dom, and Y/N?” Nat asked, still worried about you. None of them had held back mentioning you around Bucky now that you lived there. Not that he saw you anyways. 

“In the Captain’s room, sleeping, miss.” He informed them. 

Bucky’s jaw clenched slightly. He had no right to feel jealous, but it was  _ his  _ arms that used to hold you at night. Not his best friend’s. Getting up, he walked out, leaving his food and coffee on the table. The others shared a look. 

* * *

Steve yawned as he opened the door, surprised to see an angry Bucky. “Buck?” He asked, furrowing his brows. 

“Can I talk to you?” He asked, his voice low. 

“Yeah, but out here.” He stepped out, shutting his door. “They’re still sleeping.” He rolled his shoulders. “What’s up?” 

Bucky shook his head. “That’s what you have to say?” He glared. “Y/N sleeping in your room now?” He pointed to the door behind Steve. 

Staring at him, Steve blinked a few times. “Last night, yeah.” He shrugged, not understanding his anger. “She showed up at my door, upset. She hasn’t been sleeping, which we both know isn’t good for her healing either physically, or mentally. I got her to finally open up, and then I finally got her to sleep. So?” What did Bucky expect him to do? Turn you away? “She just buried her fiance, and along with it, all their hopes and dreams.” He said softly. 

“She hasn’t even talked to me since she’s been back.” He sagged. “And she’s sleeping in your room. I just remember when it was our room. Hers and mine.” 

“Buck, that was years ago.” He said sadly. “You can’t expect her to rush into wanting to be friendly or anything.” He pointed out. “I don’t think she’s mentally in the right place to deal with whatever feelings may come from being around you again.” He wasn’t saying that to be a dick, either. 

Bucky nodded. “Should I take off for a bit or something?” He wondered. 

Before Steve could answer, Steve’s door opened. You and Dom were there, his small hand in yours. “Uh, Dom’s hungry, so I’m gonna bring him down to get something to eat.” You said awkwardly. “Thanks for letting us crash here last night.” You gave Steve a small smile. 

“You gonna eat with us, Uncle Steve?” Dom looked up at him, hopeful. His hair was still all over, making Steve chuckle lightly. “Please!” 

Steve smiled. “Of course.” He agreed. “Give me a minute?” He asked. Dom simply nodded, glancing at Bucky sideways for a moment. “Hey, wanna help me pick out a shirt?” He asked, offering Dom his hand. 

Dom bounced, taking his Uncle’s hand. The two of them went into Steve’s room, leaving you and Bucky in an awkward silence. “How’s your side?” He asked after a moment. 

You shrugged a shoulder. “Sore.” You said honestly. “Which is to be expected.” You were chewing on your lip, torn in two. Part of you wanted to run away from him. Run far away with your son. Part of you wanted to give him a chance to be your friend again, but what if he hurt you again? However, you didn’t see yourself going back to live in that house again, meaning that you would be around Bucky a lot. So would Dom. “Can we talk later?” You asked, and it was clear that you were scared. 

Bucky looked surprised but quickly nodded. “Yeah, of course. Whenever.” He agreed. “Is there any time you’d like?” 

“Uh, Dom usually likes to drag Steve to visit Tony after lunch. Seeing as Tony hardly joins us.” You shrugged. “Maybe then?” 

“Steve’s his favorite, isn’t he?” He asked softly, hearing giggles from behind the closed door. 

You smiled softly at the sounds. “Yeah, he is.” You sighed. “Tony is a close second, though.” You chuckled. “I think it’s the toys.” You joked. 

Bucky ran a hand through his hair. "Glad you had them." He mumbled. "I'll meet you after lunch? Common room?" He started to back up. 

"Yeah." You nodded, already nervous. He was gone moments later. Turning when you heard the door, you gave Steve a small smile. "We're gonna talk after lunch. Can you watch Dom for a bit?"

Steve grinned, lifting the boy with ease. "Of course." He agreed easily. "Maybe we can start getting ideas for his birthday?" He suggested. “I’ll help him pick a theme or something.” He went on. “That okay?” He asked you. 

“Sounds good to me.” You agreed. “Thanks, Steve.” You kissed his cheek before doing the same to Dom. “I’ll be down in a minute.” You just needed a moment to breathe, and collect your thoughts. You couldn’t hide from this anymore. You had to face your ex, the father of your son, and you couldn’t run away. No matter how badly you wanted to.

* * *

You were making your way to the kitchen very slowly, taking the long way there. “Hey you.” Tony greeted you, making you jump slightly. “Saw you walking around like a zombie and wanted to come check on you.” 

You gave him a small smile. “That’s saying something coming from you.” You teased. “I’m just taking my time getting to the kitchen. Steve has Dom right now.” You shrugged. “And, I have plans to talk to Bucky later after lunch...so my mind is all over.” 

He nodded. “I have some whiskey hidden in conference room four if you want some. Bottom right hand drawer of the double cabinet. False bottom.” You raised an eyebrow at him. “I get bored. And, I may have slept in there a couple times.” He admitted.  “You know, part of me wants to ask, but another part of me really doesn’t.” You chuckled lightly. 

“Probably for the best.” Tony shrugged. “It’ll work out.” He gave you a quick hug. “You have all of us. Take your time. Don’t rush through grieving him.” His voice was soft as he gave your arm a gentle squeeze. “You know where to find me if you need to talk.” 

That meant a lot to you. “Thanks, Tony.” You sighed. “I got a lot off my chest last night to Steve. I’ve been closed off, so I may take you up on that.” 

* * *

After you’d said your goodbyes to Tony, you finally went straight to the kitchen. Dom was sitting on Steve’s lap, but was laughing at Clint for some reason. You smiled softly, thankful you and Dom had your family. You went to get yourself a cup of coffee and some toast, not thinking you could stomach more than that. 

Steve glanced at you, hoping now that you’d opened up, that you could start moving forward. “So, Dom’s school called.” He told you, making you wince. “I just told them there was an emergency, and that you’d contact them when you could.”

“Thanks.” You said softly, stirring some sugar into your mug. “I’ll call them later.” You sighed. 

“You like school, Buddy?” Bucky asked Dom, speaking directly to him for the first time. You could tell by his voice he was nervous. Of a six year old. 

Dom nodded, munching on a piece of bacon. “Uh huh! We color!” He beamed. “And count, and add.” He told him simply, shrugging his shoulder. He looked at Steve. “When can I go back, Uncle Steve?” 

You bit your lip, swallowing. “Uh, we’re gonna be staying here, baby.” You told him, skipping making toast now. Moving to sit next to Steve, you brushed Dom’s hair back from his face. “We’ll figure it out, okay?” 

“Okay…” He said sadly. “My friends, though.” 

“I’m sorry.” You sagged, hating this. If there was any way you could live there, you would. You couldn’t, though. Not without nightmares, and those terrible memories taking over. This wasn’t fair to him at all. “You get to see Uncle Steve all the time now, though, right? And Aunt Wanda!” You tried to cheer him up. “And JARVIS is here. Uncle Tony...Normally you only get to see them a few times a year. Now you get to see them every day.” 

Bucky watched you try to cheer the little boy up, by mentioning all his teammates. It stung more than he liked to admit. Getting up, he went to put his mug in the sink before heading to the training room. He wanted to sort out his thoughts before talking to you later. His mind was a mess right then. 

* * *

You did your best to keep yourself busy all morning. You did some laundry (despite being reminded that you didn’t have to), you played with Dom and Wanda (you lost every game of Go Fish…), and finally made you and Dom lunch. He sat on your lap while eating, asking about his toys. You told him you would see if you could get them soon. That’s the best you could do. Which your best made you feel like the worst. 

Finally, you were sitting in the common room, your head on the back of the couch. You’d caved and taken some pain medication for your side that Bruce had given you. It was kicking in, so you felt a tad bit relaxed finally. “Need a nap?” Came Bucky’s voice. 

Licking your lips, you lifted your head and opened your eyes. “Nah. Pain meds are kicking in.” You told him. “Did too much.” You admitted. 

He nodded. “Been there.” He moved to sit in one of the chairs. Running a hand through his dark hair, he chewed on the inside of his lip. “Does he know who I am? Like, I mean, not me...obviously, I’m the creepy guy.” He rambled. “But, like, did you tell him about me as his father.” 

That was a tough place to start. You shook your head, though. “No, I didn’t.” You answered him. “I met Will when Dom was three and a half. So, he’s all he’s known.” Your chest ached. “He’s never asked, either.” 

Bucky could understand that. “Would you have told him?” He asked, almost scared of the answer. “One day, I mean?” 

“And say what, Bucky?” You asked. “Tell him that his father didn’t want him? What would that have done to him?” It would have killed you to have been forced to tell your son that. “I can’t say what I would have done. At first it was literally taking it day by day, then it got to planning for the next week. I never planned years ahead.” You shook your head. “At least not when it came to that.” What did he want you to say? That you would have broken his heart? 

He sat back, trying not to get upset, or take it to heart. You were being honest, which is what he wanted, and needed. This conversation, no matter how hurtful, had to happen. “What about now?” He asked. “Will you tell him who I am? Or at least tell him not to call me the creepy guy?” That would be nice. Being called the creepy guy by his son sucked. 

Did Steve tell Bucky that he told you what Bucky had said? You had to gamble with whether he had or not. “Do you still think we’d be better off without you? That you’re a monster?” Your tone was soft, your voice very controlled. He stared at you. “Steve didn’t tell you that he told me…” You sighed. 

“No, he didn’t.” He ran a hand down his face. “When did he tell you?” 

“When I woke up.” You told him. “He was there within minutes, wanting to talk to me.” Having that on your mind for over a week had been eating at you. “You didn’t answer my questions, though.” You pointed out. “Do you still feel that way?” You honestly hated that he ever felt that way. Had he told you this years ago, things would likely be very, very different now. 

Bucky took a deep breath. “Yes, and no.” He shrugged. “I feel guilty. If I didn’t say those things, you wouldn’t have ever lived there. You wouldn’t have gotten stabbed. Dom wouldn’t have ever seen all that.” He explained. “But at the same time, him not knowing his father is the Winter Soldier is probably safer. He won’t grow up knowing what I did. Who I was. What I live with.” He hung his head. 

Hearing him like that broke your heart. “Oh, Bucky.” You sniffed. “Please don’t feel guilty. You aren’t the one who attacked the house.” You told him gently. “And that’s your past. That’s not who you are now.” He was far from his past. “You’ve done a lot of good, and still do. He’s lucky to have you as a father. Even if he doesn’t know that.” If he was closer, you would have put your hand on his arm, but you were way too relaxed to move at the moment. 

He licked his lips, letting your words sink in. He was torn. He had always believed you, and still trusted you so much. Yet, he was set in his ways. He doubted that self-loathing would ever go away. Seeing Dom daily ate at him. He never pictured himself as a father, but now he felt like a shit father. Especially seeing how everyone else was with him. Dom was so comfortable with each of them, lighting up when their attention was on him. “Tell me about him? His full name? When was he born? All that.” He asked softly, making you give him a kind smile. 

“His full name is Dominick Paul Y/L/N.” You told him, feeling hopeful that he wanted to learn about the little boy. Was he wanting to step into Dom’s life as a father? “He was born on October 5th at 7:35 am. He was 7 pounds and 4 ounces, 20 inches long.” You went on. “His favorite color is red, but blue is a close second. His favorite game is soccer, and had a little soccer set up in our backyard.” You looked down, a sad smile on your face. He couldn’t play soccer out in the backyard anymore. 

Hearing you sniff, he got up and moved next to you, putting his arm gently around your shoulder. He didn’t know what to say, or how to deal with this. Had you been together, he could comfort you easily. Now? Now he was clueless, and he hated it.


End file.
